Can an investment banker who talks like Gordon Gekko and a barista who quotes Shakespeare be happy together? Of course! The things we need most from a significant other have very little to do with money. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But in the holiday rush of gift buying and event planning, that quiet truth can easily be drowned out by the merry jingle jangle of cash registers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If you\u2019re feeling any financial pressure this holiday season, carve out some time to talk<\/em> with each other. Learning how to communicate about your finances can bring the two of you closer than ever. <\/p>\n\n\n\n (Does money ever come between you and your friends or family? The tips in this guide can help with that too!)<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Spoiler alert \u2014 yes, it really is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Whether you\u2019re planning your next vacation, saving to buy a home, raising a family, or working toward retirement, money management and financial planning are a big part of making sure you both feel happy, confident, and secure in your future together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Doesn\u2019t that sound amazing? Oh, heck yeah. It feels pretty great. The key is to open up a healthy, constructive dialogue so you can build the future you really want \u2014 together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Do any of these feel familiar? The first step in getting where you want to go is recognizing where you are today. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Don\u2019t think of these as mistakes \u2014 they\u2019re just old patterns it\u2019s time to shift out of. These 5 money traps are common symptoms of not knowing how to talk about your finances as a couple.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We\u2019ve all been there \u2014 ignoring the problem and hoping it will go away. But pushing off the conversation won\u2019t make things better. When couples don’t talk about money, small issues can build into frustration and resentment, not to mention more financial problems.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Are you hiding your money concerns in the proverbial closet? Here are some of the things you might be telling yourself:<\/p>\n\n\n\n You and your partner are a team \u2014 together, you can achieve anything! But for couples who bring home different paychecks, talking about saving money, creating joint accounts, or paying down debt can feel stressful. <\/p>\n\n\n\n If you feel like you and your partner aren\u2019t on the same page about your financial goals and how to reach them, it\u2019s time to bring each other closer and create a more open dialogue about money.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Both lower earners and higher earners can feel self-conscious about their paychecks, leading some couples into the shadowy realm of \u201cfinancial infidelity.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n What is financial infidelity? It can mean hiding wealth in separate bank accounts, opening secret credit cards, hiding loan or debt balances, lying about how much you paid for things, or otherwise not being fully honest about your financial position. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Financial infidelity can drive a powerful emotional wedge between you. If you\u2019re hiding financial facts from your partner, or if they\u2019re hiding their finances from you, the best way to come clean is to address the underlying fears and dynamics that are leading you both down that path.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Because our self-worth can be so tied up in our financial health, it\u2019s not uncommon for people to feel embarrassed or guilty about their financial situation. We\u2019re socially conditioned to measure our value financially, but money is not<\/em> the gold standard in determining self-worth. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Making less money than someone else is nothing to feel ashamed of, and making more money isn\u2019t something to feel guilty about. Either way, money isn\u2019t the most important thing you can bring to a relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Still reeling from past financial mistakes?<\/em> <\/em>They don\u2019t define you<\/em><\/a>. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Money imbalance doesn\u2019t lead to break-ups by itself. Ignoring problems, not working together, financial infidelity, and feelings of embarrassment or guilt are the real culprits. These are the things that can crack the foundation of an otherwise healthy partnership.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The good news? There are plenty of happy couples who make different amounts of money. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Anything you\u2019re struggling with can be solved with the power of resilient communication. Be honest about your finances \u2014 and about your feelings. The more open you are with each other, the closer you’ll be to a long, joyful life together. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Wondering if love and money are related? We asked nearly 1,200 people about their relationships and their finances. <\/em>See what they said<\/em><\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n What are the keys to powerful, resilient communication? Holding true to the following principles can help you shift into a brand new dynamic when it comes to talking about money.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you head into any<\/em> conversation in your relationship thinking, \u201cThey\u2019re not going to like this,\u201d you\u2019re probably right. Even if this time would have been different, anticipating a problem has a good chance of creating one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Human beings are great at reading body language, and we tend to mirror other people\u2019s emotions<\/a>. The more nervous, uncomfortable, or guarded you feel when you approach your partner, the more they\u2019ll key in on that and start feeling the same way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So how can you shift your mindset and start expecting a better result? Change your whole approach. Stop focusing on the end result and start asking questions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Let\u2019s say you\u2019re planning a vacation. One of you wants to stay at a swanky downtown hotel. The other found a pet-sitting deal where you could stay for free if you\u2019re willing to share your space with a passel of poodles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The one who likes the hotel probably has expensive tastes, right? And the pet-sitting aficionado will do any crazy thing to save a few bucks. But \u2026 what if that\u2019s all wrong? What if the hotel is just near the free museums they like to explore? And what if the poodle appeal is about missing a childhood pet?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Just remember \u201cALL.\u201d When you set out to Ask, Listen, and Learn more about the amazing person you love, you\u2019ll open up a whole new world of possibilities.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Let those exploratory questions lead to more questions, and let the conversation take its own natural flow. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The more you try to control things and turn them in a certain direction, the less successful you\u2019re likely to be. But the more you stay curious, the more likely you are to learn something that just might change everything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We all want to feel known and loved for who we really are. The more we feel like someone really wants to listen, without any agenda, the more we want to share. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Give your partner a safe space to speak, and don\u2019t worry about where the conversation goes. Be patient with the process. Talking in a way that brings you closer together is already a win.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The more you share with each other, the more you might start to see a bigger picture. The question isn\u2019t really<\/em> how to choose between the hotel and the pet-sitting apartment. It\u2019s how you can both get the most out of your vacation together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Most arguments come from a win-lose perspective. When there are only two choices \u2014 this or that \u2014 one person gets what they want and the other doesn\u2019t. If that\u2019s the conversation, it\u2019s no wonder you both feel defensive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Opening up the conversation gives you a chance to redefine your goals. How can you support each other in having an amazing holiday together? <\/p>\n\n\n\n As you start to expand your options, try this game-changer: What if you both had the absolute right to say no \u2014 to anything<\/em>? It\u2019s a simple, powerful technique with several benefits:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Don\u2019t want to stay in a swanky hotel? Say no. Don\u2019t want to pet-sit on your vacation? Say no to that too. The second either one of you says no, that idea is off the table. Period.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The process can take time, sometimes more than one conversation. Just remember to stay curious. Ask why<\/em> you\u2019re each saying no \u2014 not to argue about it, but to help you come up with something better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ask, Listen, and Learn.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When you start living by the power of no, you create safe spaces for each other without even trying. \u201cNo\u201d gives you both room to feel confident and secure in your own free will. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The simple act of respecting someone\u2019s autonomy raises their self-esteem. It raises their trust in you. It makes them feel seen, heard, respected, and loved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Over time, it will make you both feel safer about financial conversations. When that happens, it\u2019s time to put all the cards on the table.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The safer you feel with each other, the easier it will be to talk about your finances. You might still have hesitations or concerns, but you\u2019ll feel more confident tackling them as a team.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Just remember not to backslide as the full picture comes out. No accusations. No judgment. Take in the facts, sit with them if you need to, and then make a plan \u2014 together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n One final tip on honesty \u2014 don\u2019t ask \u201cultimatum\u201d questions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Give your partner a reason to feel safe, and trust them to share what\u2019s important. Don\u2019t back them into a corner that makes them feel scared to share anything else later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Couples have different ways of splitting expenses. The important thing is that you both feel like your system is fair and sustainable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Some partners split up the bills so they\u2019re each responsible for different ones. Others might pay all the bills out of a joint account that each partner contributes to every month. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes, one partner might be out of work for a while. Talk with each other about the right way to cover the bills, save money<\/a> in the meantime, and restore that income<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Whatever system you choose, be honest about how much you each feel like you can afford, and work together to come up with a plan that makes you both feel confident and secure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sharing your financial journey is an important part of being in a long-term relationship, and<\/em>, equally true, the value we bring to relationships as human beings is not about money.<\/p>\n\n\n\n How much is it worth to have a partner who always believes in you, who\u2019s always there to cheer you on, who\u2019s always in your corner? That\u2019s<\/em> a game-changer. You can\u2019t put a price tag on that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Make it a habit to thank each other every day \u2014 for everything. The hours at the office. The grocery shopping. Picking up the kids. Walking the dog. Cleaning the house. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThank you for always being there.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThank you for trusting me with your heart.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThank you for believing in me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Even in a sustainable system, your personal finances are always changing. Prices rise, cars need new tires, and old appliances finally give up the ghost.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Stay on top of your system and tweak it as time goes on. Add an emergency fund<\/a> to weather any storm. And a tax-advantaged retirement account<\/a> to grow your nest egg.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Finally, make sure you have an easy way to check on your finances \u2014 something that puts you both equally in the driver\u2019s seat, so you can stay on top of your plan together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you aren\u2019t already using one of Quicken\u2019s apps, Simplifi by Quicken is a great place to start. Named Best Budgeting App by New York Times Wirecutter<\/em>, it lets you track your spending together and a whole lot more, all for less than the price of one venti latte per month.<\/p>\n\n\n\nIs it really important to talk to your partner about money?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Five money traps you don\u2019t want to fall into<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
1. Ignoring money-related issues<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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2. Not working together on your goals<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
3. Financial infidelity<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
4. Feelings of embarrassment or guilt<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
5. Unresolved arguments \u2014 and potential break-ups<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Nine tips to work through money imbalance issues<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
1. Shift your own mindset first<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
2. Get \u201cALL\u201d curious about each other<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
3. Stay open to the possibilities<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
4. Expand your goals<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
5. Consider the power of \u201cno\u201d<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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6. Be a safe space for each other<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
7. Agree on a policy of honesty<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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8. Scale your expenses<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
9. Share your gratitude<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Moving forward together<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n